Spouses and children often complain that fathers have little time for themselves. Do the expressions “Dad, we miss you so much”, “Daddy, I wish he worked less…”, “Daddy would play with me…” sound familiar? Even though fathers complain about busy work or traffic, children need close attention from their fathers as much as they need their mothers.
Every individual in the family system affects each other. Despite this, when it comes to children, the relationship between mother and child and how important this relationship is for both parties are emphasized. Fathers seem to have been forgotten in this interaction.
Children who are loved by their fathers are generally more emotionally stable, less angry, have a higher sense of self, and develop a positive outlook on the world.
Experts investigating the father-child relationship; that the most important gift a father can give to his child is love and compassion; They state that it is the best precaution against depression, substance abuse and behavioral problems.
Changing “FATHER” Role
The weakening of the concept of "fatherhood" and the concern about the inevitability of youth problems, especially in societies that are economically developed and where the institution of marriage and family are gradually disappearing, has led to many researches on the concept of "fatherhood".
The role of the father in the 18th century; religious and moral teaching, teaching the child to read and write, and taking the key role in their children's marriage decisions. In the middle of the industrialization period, the father was not a moral teacher; it was started to be accepted as the breadwinner and again in this period, after the divorces, the child care work was given to the mothers.
After the Second World War, your father; attention began to be drawn to the role of the moral teacher, the breadwinner, as well as the sexual model for the boy. Taking care of the child and meeting his emotional and social needs was a duty undertaken by the mothers. Father's participation in child education was supported; however, there was a clear distinction between the roles of mother and father.
When we look 30-40 years ago from today, we realize how much the father's function has changed in the child's life.
The effect of socio-political, economic and scientific reasons on the roles of men and women; women's ability to survive on their own due to wars; increasing number of working mothers; more widowed men, especially in Western societies, taking responsibility for their children's care and education on their own; the transformation of the traditional family structure into the nuclear family; now, fathers have also assigned important duties and responsibilities in the care and development of the child.
The renewed concept of “father” is no longer “distant, unfeeling, feared authority”; It means “a man who can share domestic responsibilities, show his feelings, take care of his children, spare time for them, show interest and compassion”. However, those who support the family; but fathers who are not at home are also frequently encountered.
Father and Baby Relationship
“Fatherhood” begins the moment you find out your wife is pregnant. How did you feel when you first heard that you were going to be a father? What was your reaction? A man's reaction to the news of his first-time fatherhood is tied to his own childhood experiences and his relationship with his parents. Being a father has a subconscious and a superconscious meaning in every man.
Pregnancy is a process that affects the whole family. Alone, not the mother; father becomes pregnant. Researches; shows that men go through significant hormonal changes with their pregnant partners. It seems; While nature prepares women to be devoted mothers, it also prepares men to be good fathers.
Prolactin levels of fathers increased by about 20% three weeks before the birth of the baby; In recent years, it has been determined by studies that the testosterone level decreases after the birth of the child and the estrogen hormone is higher in fathers than in other men. Researchers believe that close contact and interaction between spouses is effective in these hormonal changes. Hormones only facilitate the transition to fatherhood. How paternity is defined depends more on cultures.
The man's support of his wife throughout the pregnancy helps both of them to enjoy the pregnancy process by facilitating the adaptation process.
“You have good eyes, sir, you have a daughter!”
Before the birth of the child, all the needs met by the mother are shared by the father when he is born.
Gone are the days when fathers avoided taking care of children. Fathers began to take an active role in the care of the child. Today, the number of preschool-aged children raised by their fathers, especially in Western societies, is increasing day by day.
Studies have shown that fathers, like mothers, can perceive the baby's signals correctly and concentrate on the baby. The important thing is to give the father such an opportunity. There are aspects in raising children that parents can overcome with equal naturalness. There is nothing “manly” or “feminine” about giving a baby a bottle. Examples of this can also be found in the animal kingdom. In 90% of birds and most fish, fathers take care of the young. The difference between mothers and fathers stems from parental care rather than gender.
There are cases where the role of the mother differs from that of the father. In such cases, parents cannot replace each other. A growing child needs a “female” and a “male” model that he can take as an example. Mother or father cannot play both of these roles. When raising children, there are certain things that only fathers can do, and if the father does not do this, the mother - no matter how good a mother - cannot fully cope with this task.
your father; Being with her baby, touching her child, talking, playing, and actively participating in various decisions about her child lead to a close relationship with her child. This is very important for the later father-child relationship.
Children who receive attention from their fathers are better able to regulate their own emotions. These children also exhibit better social skills and are more successful in school than children whose fathers are not active in their lives.
Why is the First Year Important?
The first five years of a child's life are the most important years of life. The most important one in the first five years is infancy, which covers the first year. It is very important not to wait for the child to grow up to take care of it, and to try to establish a relationship as soon as it is born. It is not easy to establish an emotional bond with a child whom you do not have close physical contact with, whom you do not hold in your arms and do not tell stories, and whom you do not feed. In particular, it is necessary to establish a positive relationship with the child until the age of 5.
An important part of the "self-concept", which forms the basis of the child's personality, is formed in infancy.
Children's basic views on life are formed in this period. They begin to feel either a basic lack of confidence and happiness or insecurity and unhappiness. This environment is the glass of the first glasses that the child looks at the world.
If the child's basic needs (hunger, warmth, sleep, toilet, touch, feeling safe, being accepted) are met in a timely and appropriate manner; The foundation of confidence and optimism will be laid in the child and the child will tend to realize their potential abilities in the best way.
Father's Influence on Mental Development
Many studies show that the father-child relationship greatly affects the child's mental development and school success.
Fathers generally have an attitude that encourages the child to act independently and explore the environment more than mothers. This positively affects the intelligence of the child. Fathers use their own unique way of playing and interacting with their children. They encourage coping with disappointments and allow them to develop their skills.
It has been determined that the school success and mental development of children who have a close and qualified relationship with their fathers are positively affected. An indifferent and overly restrictive father negatively affects the intelligence of the child.
The importance of the hereditary characteristics that make up the intelligence development of the child cannot be ignored; However, the effect of environmental stimuli is also an important factor affecting the development of intelligence. It should be said that the quality of social stimuli is also very effective. Children who grow up in an environment where stimuli are lacking are mentally retarded. The father is one of the most important individuals who provide the necessary stimulus for the mental development of the child. Parents are effective not only in the relationship they establish with their children, but also in the development of the child's intelligence by arranging the environment.
Father's Influence on Personality Development
The formation of personality traits in the individual used to be explained only by hereditary factors. However, nowadays it is mentioned that there are other factors that affect personality development. These; heredity, experiences in the family, and lifelong events.
Self-perception is accepted as a concept that forms the basis of personality traits. Self-perception begins to develop from infancy. In order for the child to perceive himself as an important being, his basic needs must be met and he must establish a healthy relationship with his parents.
Self-perception is associated with what an individual thinks about himself. The child's beliefs about physical, emotional, social characteristics, wishes and achievements affect his/her self-perception positively or negatively. Children's self-perception is not only their own thoughts and experiences, but also the thoughts of the environment in which they live, and most importantly, the views of their parents.
Mothers who can share parenting responsibilities with their spouses are happier and have the chance to develop their mothering skills. The presence of the father ensures a healthier mother-child relationship. If the relationship between parents is not healthy; Some mothers can transfer all their attention and love to the child to fill this gap, which prevents the child from developing an independent personality.
What are the Contributions of Fathers to Their Children's Self-Perception?
The quality of the time spent is more important than the length of time the father is with his child.
Children who think that they receive less warmth from their fathers, that their fathers disapprove, neglect, and reject them have characteristics such as negative personality assessment, emotional unresponsiveness, inconsistency, and negative worldview.
Father's Influence on Moral Development and Behavioral Problems
According to an expert opinion; moral development is defined as acquiring the rules that will guide the child's moral actions (honesty, conscience, etc.). Studies on the influence of the father on the development of moral behavior are limited.
Theories of Moral Development
Four different theories have explained the formation of moral development in children in different ways:
According to the Psychoanalytic View; The boy not only acquires the appropriate sexual role characteristics. At the same time, he internalizes the moral rules and values presented by his father. According to this view, the father is of great importance, especially for the development of the male child.
Freud says that this developmental process for girls also proceeds in parallel with that of boys. In Freud's view, fathers are necessary for the moral development of both boys and girls.
According to the Cognitive View; Piaget speaks of two main stages of moral development. “externally controlled morality” and “autonomous morality”. In the first stage, externally controlled morality, children are morally realistic. They believe that the rules are immutable. Everything that follows the rule is good, and anything that does not follow the rule is bad.
Around age 12 or earlier, they realize that rules are made by people and they can change. Therefore, Piaget emphasizes the importance of both parent and peer relationships in moral development.
Social Learning Based View; He is more concerned with the behavioral dimension of morality. They engage in behavior that looks like lying, cheating, stealing. According to this view, current moral behavior is based on one's previous experiences and learning. Here, the importance of rewarding and modeling is great. In modeling, the child only observes the behavior of others. Parents can only influence the child as a model.
According to the Personality Approach View; Childhood is a very important time period in terms of shaping moral character. Since parents are the basic individuals in the socialization of the child, they also have important duties in terms of the moral development of the children.
There are 4 behaviors of the mother or father that can help the moral development of the child:
In the studies conducted in terms of moral behavior, results have been obtained showing that the father's attitude is important. First, it was found that the children of fathers who exhibit inconsistent behavior (exaggerated in tolerance and authority) are prone to behaviors such as stealing and cheating. As a result of another study, it was determined that children who exhibit gentle behaviors have father models that show warmth and compassion. In both studies, it was found that delinquent youths were often punished by their fathers.
Many studies have found a strong relationship between substance abuse, depression, anxiety, and behavioral disorders in adolescents and poor father-child relationship.
In addition, it has been determined that the fathers of children with anxiety disorders and obsessive-compulsive behavior problems are overprotective, critical and perfectionist fathers.
Father's Influence on Sexual Role Development
Looking at the process of sexual development, it is seen that the influence of the father is important. The father is the first person to convey the concept of man and woman determined by social values. Of course, a child is born with a biological structure that determines its gender. This is the first important factor in the development of sexual identity. The second important factor is the approval given by the adults close to the gender-appropriate behaviors that the child displays as he grows up.
Children begin to show their sexual identity orientation after 1 year of age. 1-3 years old is an important period for sexual identity orientations. Children begin to identify by observing the parent of their own kind, especially between these ages. The fact that the parent of the same sex is close to the child and can be reached when the child needs it makes it easier for the child to identify. There is another factor in the child's ability to identify with his parent. This is the form of communication to be established between parent and child. If there is a natural, sincere and compassionate communication between them, it will be easier for the child to choose the parent of his own sex as the identification model.
Sexual role development manifests itself in adolescence after the first childhood period. Teenagers in adolescence begin to exhibit and reinforce behaviors in line with the sexual orientation they acquired in their early childhood. Reinforcing these behaviors lasts a lifetime.
Adolescents, along with the development of their sexual identity, are uncomfortable with their gender coming to the fore. Parents experience the same ailment. The ability of both parties to meet this process comfortably is closely related to the parent's attitude towards the adolescent. adolescent; When he sees an attitude that accepts his gender and answers his questions, he meets the development process he is in more easily. At the same time, he does not turn to false sexual information that he can get from outside because he finds answers to his questions. Every family has its own value judgments and understanding. Within the framework of this understanding, it is necessary to answer the questions asked by the adolescent.
The Development of Masculine Behavior
The boy wants a special relationship with his mother when he is 3-4 years old. She sees her father as a rival who will take away her mother's love and ruin her relationship with her mother, and she is jealous. During this period, the child competes with the person he/she is jealous of and takes a model by rehearsing that person's behavior. If the father shows an approach towards listening and understanding instead of getting away from his child during this period, this positive communication makes it easier for the child to take the father as a model.
Factors Affecting Boys' Sexual Role Development
The father establishes a warm and caring relationship with his son,
The father is strong and participates in the decisions to be taken about the child,
In the family, the father is as active as he is in the outside world and supports his son to be active,
The father being a model for the child or a man in the family that the child can take as a model,
The model most imitated by the child is the one who controls the values. For this reason, the father's control of values,
Verbal expression and rewarding of the son's resemblance to the father,
The positive perception and reflection of the father by the mother.
What are the reasons for the boy to choose his mother as the identification model?
Sometimes, the boy may identify with the mother by failing to identify with the father. There may be different reasons for this. These are your father; It may be that she cannot relate to her son, is excessive and oppressive, is punishing and frustrating rather than rewarding, and there is no male adult who can replace the father model due to the loss of a father. These may be the reasons why the boy takes his mother as a model.
Sometimes, the fact that the mother is very dominant in the family may cause the boy to choose the mother as the identification model.
Modeling can only happen with a positive and satisfying father-child relationship.
The Development of Feminine Behavior
The girl also wants to have a close relationship with her father at the age of 3-4. The mother sees this relationship as threatening and gets jealous. The girl comes out of this period by suppressing her negative feelings towards her mother and identifying with her mother. During this period, the father plays an active role. If the father brings to the fore the aspects that the mother likes; The girl modeled the praised behavior of her jealous mother. In addition, he learns the first information about his relations with the opposite sex by observing the mother-father relationship. Girls who have the chance to observe the positive relationship between their parents develop their ability to adapt to the opposite sex more easily.
The easy communication of the girl with the opposite sex in adulthood stems from her positive relationship with her father. A positive relationship with the father allows girls to spend their adolescence more comfortably.
The negative attitudes of the father towards his daughter may cause the daughter to have difficulties in having close relationships with men and marriage in adulthood.
Factors Affecting Girl Child's Sexual Role Development
Your father's compassionate, close, accepting; but at the same time be competent and regular,
Father rewarding warm and compassionate behavior in his daughter
The child's gender-appropriate behavior, the approval of his/her gender-appropriate behavior by the parents,
Especially warm behavior of the mother,
One or both of the child's parents are suitable models.
Father Deprivation and Its Effects on the Child
As we mentioned before, “Father Deprivation” is important in terms of the absence of a father to be modeled after. But, besides this, paternal deprivation should not be considered only as paternal loss. Divorce and the father's emotional absence from his child can also be viewed as paternal deprivation. Parents may choose to divorce when they can't get along. However, being a divorced spouse does not mean being a divorced father. Divorced spouses should have responsibilities to meet both their emotional and financial needs of their children. While arranging their own lives, they should not establish a life independent of the child, and the child's opinion should be sought. The approach to the other spouse should not be in the form of vilification and questioning.
Most fathers do not realize and do not know the “dad needs” of their children. However, when the child finds his father by his side, he feels safe and protected. your father; Absence, inactivity or indifference in the family can greatly affect the personality structure and physical health of the child. In fact, it can cause some adjustment and behavioral disorders.
In addition, in father deprivation, sexual identity development may be negatively affected, tendency to antisocial events, shyness, introversion and adjustment problems, damage to mother-child relations, youth problems and decrease in school success can be seen.
Affecting Level of Father Deprivation on Child;
The reason for the absence of a father,
the age and gender of the child,
The reaction of the mother to the absence of her husband,
The quality of mother-child interaction,
Structural features of the child,
Socio-economic status of the family,
The quality of the father-child relationship before the father deprivation occurred,
It depends on whether there is a model that can replace the father.
Suggestions for Fathers to Develop a Healthy Communication with Their Children
“Am I a good father, what do I need to do to be a perfect father?” you may be asking yourself. It's not perfect; only happy, enjoyable and good parents can be. This requires patience, research and love. The important thing is that the parents do their best and believe in it while raising their children.
Try to catch the joke in daily life! This will be comforting for your spouse and child as well.
Don't just try to be a feared, respected, distant father! The opposite attitude can also create a vacuum. While loving your children unconditionally, try to offer a certain environment and boundaries! Because, in father-child communication, where there are no rules, one should not forget the discipline element. Environments in communication with children make children feel insecure.
Being busy with your work and spending less time at home and your family does not mean that you are an uninterested father. The important thing is to spend quality time even in limited time zones.
Always try to be there for your children on their special days (birthday, school performance or sports event)! Because such special days will not happen again.
Don't forget to praise your children! Praise is a very effective motivating way when expressed genuinely sincerely.
If a large part of your relationship with your child includes times that you enjoy together, you're on the right track. For this; Going to a game together, fishing, doing sports, studying, going to the movies, getting information about your teenager's interests and, for example, listening to a song or two of his favorite band or going to a concert, etc.
Fathers taking their children to their workplaces and showing them how a day goes by will improve mutual understanding. The father's taking his child to his own workplace and assigning him age-appropriate tasks supports the development of a sense of trust and responsibility in him.
Tell and convey to your children what values are important to you in life at every opportunity!
Create opportunities to convey to your children what you experienced in your own childhood and the important lessons you learned from your elders!
When parents stay with the child individually, they interact more than when they are all three together. Therefore, be careful to spend time alone with your child!
Take care to attend the meetings with the teachers and guidance counselors at your child's school at least once a semester.
“BEING A FATHER” is really no easy task. “Fathering” is a learnable skill; But asking is also very important.
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